I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have aggressive nipples.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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