Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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