It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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