You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I look better un-naked...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
