the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
