Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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