wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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