i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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