He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
