All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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