He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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