I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
