if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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