You're my little dorito
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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