I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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