Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
