Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
