my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
