I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
