Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
