If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I deserve this hangover.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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