I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
