Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
