dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
