I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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