I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
