??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
