also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
