Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
