dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
