I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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