new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
