maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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