I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
