i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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