You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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