I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
