last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
