Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
