The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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