can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
