I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
