Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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