the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
