so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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