I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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