i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
