we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
