Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
