Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
