we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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