just come out here and I will go home with you...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
there is glitter all over my balls
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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