I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
