I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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