dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
