bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
