Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Im part way to drunk.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
