I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You can't just leave with hair like that
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
